Sunday, January 30, 2011


My brain has not really had a mental break in several years. I have been on a constant learning curve for about 5 years now and I cannot help but wonder why God has decided to take me on this journey. The past 6 months have been especially weighty and I just feel the need to debrief a few of the many things that overwhelm my thoughts on a daily basis, those few things with which I often struggle.

1) I am not worthy. Of anything. The level of humility I have been brought to has been an unexplainable blessing. God knows that one of the best ways to make someone teachable and repentant is to humble them. Obviously, I often pick up a cloak of pride instead of the one of humility that I am told to wear. God hates pride and he sent His Son here in the most humble of conditions, who am I to have pride, especially when all things are under His authority and have nothing to do with me?

2) With the above being said, that brings me to a barrage of questions. Why me? Why have I been chosen? Why have I been shown the greatest of all His mercies, salvation and so many other small and beautiful blessings? What do I do with this knowledge? Mercy has always been one of my favorite biblical concepts, but as the Lord shows me more truths in His word, I cannot help but be overwhelmed by how he loves me and that I do not deserve it. Grateful and thankful, I struggle with what kind of life I should be living. How can I with this knowledge continue living a "normal" life? Do I even want to? Where do I go from here? It's just so much.

3) My brain hurts. Daily. I have been learning so much about the depth of God's Word; it truly is 20,000 leagues deep (and probably more!). This has been one of the hardest things for me to balance in my life and I often struggle with frustration with the day to day activities I must do, when all I really want to do is sit a the feet of Jesus and listen to Him speak to me and glean what I may from His words with my little brain. I am thankful for the desire to study that God has given me, but I sometimes struggle with discontent with my life and want it to be different so that I can study more and serve Him differently with my life. I know that I must be content with what He has for me but the frustration can still surface from time to time.

All of these are burdens I try and bear joyfully for they are lighter than the burden of sin and death. I must rememeber this when I want to complain of carrying my cross and remember that I used to carry around a dead corpse. Praise Him.