Wednesday, October 19, 2011


Who likes waiting? If you do, then we can't be friends. I kid...well, maybe.

In my life, I am once again, waiting. Waiting on God, trusting His timeline in my life.

The thing about the waiting that gets me the most is how I feel like I no longer belong anywhere normal anymore: at my church, with my friends, at my home, my job, etc. I struggle so much with this, just on a regular basis, let alone during the changing, growing, transitioning times of life. The enemy works overtime telling me that no one cares about me or what I'm going through, that I have no place among my friends any longer, that I'm alone as I prepare for the next phase of life, "and seriously, Angela, you should just stop caring because they no longer care about you". As much as I would like to say it doesn't get to me and I don't let it affect me, it does... in fact, it just downright hits me in the gut and I often go down for the count.

I see how I begin to believe all the deceptive whispers in my ear. First, my attitude suffers and I find myself tired, down, maybe even a little depressed. This puts me into hypersensitivity mode (as if I weren't sensitive enough...) and I start getting my feelings hurt waaay more than I normally would. Of course, what do wounded animals do? Two things: hide and shrivel into as small of a ball as possible until they feel safe again OR lash out in anger; since the latter is less socially acceptable than the former, personally, I tend to pull away from everyone and everything, not wanting to feel the pain of being left out, ignored, forgotten, unimportant, or whatever else I've let myself believe.

But here's the thing, even if all of that stuff is true about my friends, co-workers, church family, and whoever else, that they don't understand or want to understand and are unable to be sensitive to what I'm going through, MY JOY IS NOT FOUND IN THEM. My joy is in the Lord, who He is and his love for me. So now, I have to remind myself of this truth constantly: He is enough. Christ is enough. No other person could ever satisfy as He does, no matter how much I love them or they love me.

Don't get me wrong, it's still a struggle for me and probaby will be my whole life. This isn't the first time I've battled this, nor will it be the last. These are struggles I have from hurts long ago, scars I will never rid of until I go and meet Jesus in heaven, but I certainly don't have to let them rule over me.

I want to be graceful and glorifying to Him in the waiting. To trust Him and shine for Him, to not shrink back into a hole of isolation. I'm over that. Been there. Done that. Read The Long Road to understand more fully.

The passage below has been a constant in my life for the past 2 months; may it minister to you as it has to me, reminding you to fill yourself with the sustaining hope and joy that only Jesus can supply.

  I have forgotten what happiness is;
 so I say, “My endurance has perished;
  so has my hope from the LORD.”
  Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
  the wormwood and the gall!
 My soul continually remembers it
  and is bowed down within me.
 But this I call to mind,
  and therefore I have hope:

  The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
  his mercies never come to an end;
 they are new every morning;
  great is your faithfulness.
 “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
  “therefore I will hope in him.”

  The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
  to the soul who seeks him.
 It is good that one should wait quietly
  for the salvation of the LORD.

 Lamentations 3:17b-26

Angela Lee