Here's the skinny. Lately, God has been showing me a new way of thinking, a new way of living, and certainly a new way of living this life for Christ. I am a slow pupil, so this has been a rather long process; however, I have come to have two fears as I embark on this journey:
I am afraid that I will not "get it". Does that make sense? The best way I can describe this fear is that as God teaches me and reveals Himself more fully to me that it will only go as far as my head and never make it to my heart. That I will live in a continuous state of disconnect and bear little fruit while doing little for the kingdom that is at hand and is to come. How can I truly glorify Him if what I know never becomes a true passion of my heart and moves me past just being obedient?
My next fear is that I DO "get it". Ironic, right? So it is possible that this very fear is what holds me back and makes Fear #1 a reality, but for now we will treat it seperately. I am afraid of the radical and overwhelming life changes that will occur once it all clicks together, once the string of lessons finally culminates into one grand finale of a pivotal, mind blowing, course altering light bulb going off and my heart can, at that point, never go back. What will happen? What will it cost me? Do I really believe at that point that Jesus is worth it ALL?
So as I process these fears in my tiny brain, I must go to Scripture to give me some kind of answers and here's what I know to be true:
For Fear #1:
I must remember that my level of faith, essentially my level of understanding, is not by my works, but by His gracious gift of faith to me. I am to be obedient and hopeful in Him and He is the one who does the works in me and gives me the understanding and knowledge that I do and will have as I continue to follow Him.(Romans 12:3, Phil 1:6)
For Fear #2:
This fear is again, giving me waaaay too much credit. God is the one who can and does change our hearts. He hardened Pharoah's heart, he completely changed Saul into Paul, and all of Ninevah came to know Him not by their own wondefulness, I'm sure. If God is going to teach me something, He will be faithful to give me the heart change to go with it. Hasn't He always?
I just have to remind myself that although I have responsibilties in my walk with Christ, it is the Father who is faithful to see to it that I have His heart and that I will carry out His will.